Suicide Guide

Lost: A guide for “What to Do If You’ve Left a ‘Final Message’ on Instagram, But Survived Your Suicide Attempt”. I’m not sure where I left it. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve ever had one. A guide would sure be helpful. But I don’t have one.

It was my third suicide attempt. Previous attempts had been relatively haphazard. This time, I did not intend to survive. I thought that it would happen faster than it did. But the fire department broke down the door, crane-lifted me through the third-floor windows, and rushed me to the hospital, where I woke up in intensive care. I had failed.

Lots of you have sent me messages that you’re happy to know I’m still alive. And I am thankful that so many people care. I wish I could talk with every single one of you. But I worry a lot. About having enough money to pay the bills. About what I’m supposed to do now. I’m still dealing with drug addictions. I’m still exhausted, depressed and anxious. It’s hard to see things optimistically. The state of the world isn’t making it any better. The world is burning and it seems like the majority of people around me aren’t really that affected. They look at things and might not be fine with the way they are, but aren’t really doing much to counter it, either. It makes me feel like I’m stuck in some kind of twisted prison.

Going in and out of addiction and crisis clinics isn’t making me feel any better, and it seems like there is no decent mental healthcare available for complex cases like mine in this country. Sometimes I come across a caregiver who really tries to help, but the more we look for help, the more it seems like an impossible task.

I just want it to be over. :/

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